She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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