I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize