I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Two words: blizzard sex
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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