Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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