is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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