Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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