I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
