okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
