and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
