I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Still dying that you shit outside
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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