I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
