Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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