haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
