two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize