can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
