Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
