I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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