I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
