My first STD was from a foam party
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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