He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
