If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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