My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
