i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
