k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
