It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
