I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
