There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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