Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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