toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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