I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
we're making bets on your personal life
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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