no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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