Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
