Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
