meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
