Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize