I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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