my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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