nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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