Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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