you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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