i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
