Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How external is "for external use only"?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
