He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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