Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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