Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
