Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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