It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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