Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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