i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize