He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
