i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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