the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
