why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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