making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
