I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
