Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
