my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
