his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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