I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
