I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
