so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
