Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
