she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
