I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
