How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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