As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
