I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
