biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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