Jerry, you need to find god
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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