She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Such a big mess for such a small penis
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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