Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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